I woke up this Rising, like any typical day. The first words out of my mouth were, "thank you," took a deep stretch, tongue scraped, etc....
I was really in my feelings of gratitude, while also experiencing slight irritation. Was it because I went to bed at 2 am? Is it because my moon cycle is happening tomorrow? Maybe I'm just dehydrated?? In hindsight I'm sure it was all of these things plus some remaining limiting beliefs working their mastery over my happiness.
And then it happened. A full fledged shadow came out. This particular shadow is my least favorite, she is afraid, guilty, ashamed, irritated, and irrational. When she decides to crash the party (we'll call her Sylvia) everybody gets antsy to leave, especially me. I notice she comes out the strongest when I put too much emphasis on the thoughts/feelings/opinions of others. Today the "others" were my dog. A beautiful pit bull mix who I adopted just a few months ago. Dazey is probably the sweetest dog I've ever met. She is kind to everyone she meets, she is loving, and a marvelous listener. The lessons I've learned from her I will carry on throughout my life.
The thing about Dazey, she was definitely abused by her previous "owner." Anytime I pick up a piece of paper/book/magazine she cowers which leads me to believe the previous human who had the PRIVILEGE to have her, would beat her with papers...books...magazines.
Today a fly came into my house (uninvited), and I am a lover of all divine creations, but to be honest if a fly comes into my home I'm going after it. And so I picked up a magazine and swatted at the fly, which sent Dazey into full fledged tremors. She cowered in the corner, put her ears back, eyes wide, and started shaking. Karunā's response when this happens is always love and compassion, and some unsettled resentment towards her previous caretaker. However, Sylvia (the shadow) decided this precise moment was perfect for her to come out and play. As I watched Dazey trembling I began to take this personally, I said "I wasn't going after you it was that dang fly!" But she didn't stop. Then I started to feel irritated, why was she so scared? Doesn't she realize she's in a new home? I've never hit her nor would I EVER harm her! Can't she feel that energy from me?
I must've forgotten that trauma runs deep.
My heart started racing, I felt guilty for her feelings, I felt ashamed because I felt more annoyed than compassionate, I was annoyed because I felt Dazey was being irrational, and I felt scared that she would never trust me.
All completely irrational thoughts, good ol' hindsight and its 20/20 vision.
And so I had to take a giant step back and evaluate what the heck was happening to me. I know I didn't do anything wrong, I know she's been abused and is clearly traumatized, I know I love her and she loves me. So why was I panicking? Instead of shoving these feelings down and trying to navigate the rest of my day I asked Sylvia, why she had resurfaced. You see Sylvia is the embodiment of my past traumas. Those moments in my childhood when I was abused and scared and so sad, those moments that I hate to think of and some I can't even consciously access. Sylvia came out, because she needed to be nurtured. She needed to know that it was ok that she exists. She just wanted some love and some overstanding. She wanted to know that she is worthy, that she does matter, that it is ok she takes up space. And I was shown this Divine Reflection through Dazey.
So I went to the bathroom looked at myself in the mirror, and said "I love you and I forgive you." I proceeded to give myself a tight squeeze, the warmest hug I could muster. And what happened next will forever be engrained in my psyche. My body experienced a full chill, and it felt as if something had left me. I realized what was released, was Sylvia. The shadow who reflects my childhood trauma.
You see, it's really important to pay close attention to why we do the things we do. There is always a reason behind every action, always. And the quicker we recognize and embody this and then actually do something about it - the faster we will heal. If I hadn't addressed Sylvia I would've shown her she doesn't matter, she isn't worthy of my time, she is not important enough to take up space in my life. So she would've hung around all day, waiting for her absolution, and subsequently I would spend the rest of the day feeling (pardon my brashness) like shit. I've done the cycle a million times over and it's never brought me to a place within myself where I feel complete. Taking the time to acknowledge my shadow and give her a giant hug and let her know I love her, freed her. Freed me.
So thank you, my sweet Dazey, for yet again being the most gracious teacher. I know our road to recovering from our traumas is long and ridden with obstacles. And babe, I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather journey down this path of healing with.
All My Love,